So this post is a lot different than any other post that I’ve ever posted. It’s more of a therapy session for myself and a note to my sister so she knows that she won’t be forgotten.
Last week I lost my 36 year old sister to breast cancer. Her battle was short but painful nonetheless. I do find some peace in knowing that she’s no longer suffering but I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I feel hurt, angry, guilty, sad, mad and all other emotions that I can’t get out into words right now. My sister didn’t really get to live out all of her dreams and aspirations. I keep picturing her looking at me and her mom and Us saying that everything would be okay and that is why I feel guilty. Like was I lying or feeding false hope when those words left my mouth. No! The truth of the matter is that I was prepared to fight with her but when the battle isn’t yours you feel useless. Plus, I honestly thought that this was storm that we’d get through. I feel angry because she was suffering and there wasn’t a damn thing that I could do to help. I feel hurt because I know that she isn’t here anymore and I miss her. I feel disappointed that she didn’t get a chance to fulfill some of her dreams. I feel let down because there is no cure or course of treatment available that would have helped my sister. I feel a little salty because this week in particular my social media timeline is full of cancer survivor stories and I wish that my sister shared the same fate. You have no idea how much better I feel just expressing and acknowledging these feelings.
I also feel the need to express my anger with the current state of healthcare and how it benefits everyone but the sick. I have worked in healthcare my entire adult life. I’ve seen on more than one occasion where insurance companies would rather cover palliative care than treatment an actual curable illness, basically deciding for an individual when they’re time is up. Now, this case was a little different but I can’t hit one part without the other. I also see where insurance companies won’t pay for women under the age of 40 to get mammograms unless they have a family history. But in the meantime breast cancer in young women with no family history or symptoms is at an all time high. I know legislators are looking into lowering the age but it still won’t bring back all the women that are no longer here. I don’t want to just complain but I really needed to get these feelings out.
My sister who’s identity I’ll keep protected for privacy reasons didn’t have children. We didn’t grow up in the same house as kids because we have the same dad but different moms. We were close as adults and I’ve confided in her plenty of times and vice versa. My sister didn’t have a family history of breast cancer and there were no warning signs. She had some rough days since being diagnosed but she also had some good ones and I am thankful for the good ones. I miss our catchup phone calls, I miss her sassiness. I miss her presence period.
Sister, I hope that you left this world knowing that you were loved and that you never felt alone during this dark battle. I also hope that you know we will see each other again…….
PS: I’ve gained another angel.
Love your sister 🖤